A fighter: The 13 year old who inspired the world.

Talia Joy Castenello, a 13 year old cancer patient of Orlando, Florida, passed away at 11:22am July 16th 2013. This girl, I found first, searching makeup videos on YouTube. I was blown away by her talent at such a young age, and how she embraced her baldness in such a confidant way. Then I started following her on Instagram, watching her every update and every move. This girl was not only and admirable makeup artist, she truly inspired me and gave me the strength to pull through some hard situations. 

I looked at this gorgeous child, dealing with such a deadly disease, something that was slowly eating her up, and she still had the hope and faith that she is going to win this battle with cancer. Despite the horrible fact that she had terminal cancer, she was still bubbly, lively, outgoing, sarcastic, funny, and absolutely rocking the fact that she was bald. She made all those mountains that I was climbing, seem like just a grain of sand. All the problems in my life that I thought were huge, she made them seem so small.

I use to look at her pictures and watch her videos, she would be in a hospital bed, tied up to all these machines, and still have a huge smile on her face. It made me think, if a little girl, that has been through alot more than I hopefully wont ever will be, and can still be happy, why can’t I? This girl is terminally ill. Why should my small problems make me depressed, I have my health, and a full life ahead of me. 

I am positive I am not the only one that feels Talia has made a difference in their lives. This little girl has made an impact on the whole entire world. I feel like I know her I have known her forever, and when I saw that she was gone, I cried. Because we will not be seeing any new videos of this sunshine, but I was relieved at the same time, because her and her family are not suffering anymore with her. She is in no more pain, no more agony, she is at rest now and is in a better place. Even though her body has left this earth, her spirit and soul won’t, she will be around all that love her. She has truly left footprints in all of our hearts.

My condolences to Talia’s family & friends. We are all never going to forget this little angel. ❤

-iamwhatiam54

In Shock

For the past couple of days, there is something that has been bothering me, that I need to get off my chest, and who else other than you can I tell? Its a huge secret and I am not allowed to tell anyone, not even my husband, the person themselves don’t even know that I know.

Yesterday, I found out that a dear Muslim friend of mine back home in the United States, has found out that she is 2 months pregnant from her boyfriend. I was absolutely blown away when I was told, and I didn’t know what to say. What made it worse, was that wasn’t it, she had gotten an abortion and nobody but her, her boyfriend, and her cousin know about this…oh and me too but shh. It really has been bothering me and I am so sad for her, but at the same time mad. Like really? Are you that stupid?? OK you lost your virginity and you are hiding that from your dad, you have sex regularly with this guy, and also your hiding that from your dad too, but you get knocked up, and then KILL THE BABY! REALLY??

You sit here and preach about how against abortion you are and your going to keep this baby no matter what the consequences, and then when this low life you call your boyfriend tells you to go abort it, and you do so the next day?? Ugh, I mean I put myself in her shoes and try to figure out what I would do if I was in that situation, but I am sorry, for her, its different, I have never seen a girl so easy, and so melted in the hands of a teenage boy that doesn’t care about her and cheats on her regularly. Oh did I mention this girl is only 17 years old? Well yeah, she is still a child and so is she, I don’t even know what she is doing going around having sex with this guy anyways. She was just here last summer and we hung out, I talked to her about changing and stopping all the sin she is doing, and she left here seemed persuaded, but I guess it was all an act. In one ear, out the other. 

I give up on people like that, I am not saying I am not going to be her friend or judge her because of her actions. But I just can’t take the weight of this baby’s life that she took off my chest. Its too much… RIP Angel, your mother apparently didn’t know any better….

 

-iamwhatiam

Mind: a beautiful servant – a dangerous master.

Ramadan: Thirty Days to Turn It All Around

Taking it for granted…

I don’t think people are taking this special month of Ramadan seriously. Maybe because they don’t know the unbelievable benefits this month has to offer.

Here are some facts:

The Holy Prophet (S.A.) said:

O men and women! Draw near unto you the blessed month, overflowing with advantages, merciful, ready to put up your sins for omission and comission to Allah for obtaining His forgiveness. Its days, nights and hours, in the estimation of Allah, are more select, refined and important than the days, nights and hours of other months. It surpasses all months in merits and favors.

In this month you are the guests of Allah, enjoying His hospitality, you are from amoung His favorites, your breathing is “praise of Allah”, your sleep is His worship, your prayers recieve His approval, your invocations are sanctioned. So, sincerely, free from evil and sinful thoughts and actions, with clear conscience, pray and request that He may give you the heart and confidenceto observe fast and recite the Holy Quran and dua’as throughout this month.

He who does not receive mercy and forgivenessin the month is really an ill-fated unfortunate, condemned to everlasting unhappinessand deprivation.

Thirst and hunger you undergo, feel and live through, here and now, bring to your memory the severity and sharpness of the drought and starvation that will be the order of the day on the Day of Judgement.

Give alms to the poor and the destitute.

Treat your parents and elders with respect.

Be kind and loving to your children and juniors.

Take care of and look after your kith and kin.

Keep from giving tongue to that which should not (even) be whispered.

Shut your eyes to that which is indecent to have an eye for.

Turn a deaf ear to that which is too slanderous to be all ears.

Be compassionate, gentle and benign unto orphans so that after you, your children, if need be, recieve the same treatment from others.

Turn repentant to Allah and seek his nearness.

After every prayer recite dua’as to invoke His mercy and forgiveness because the most suitable time to get fulfilment of desires is when you have prayed a salaat, the Almighty gives answer to His servants who call Him in these moments.

O People! In the truth and fact your bodies and souls are held in pledge, strike a bargain to set them free by asking forgiveness of Allah. Your backs are burdened with a hard to endure load of sins, prostrate yourselves in adoration in Allah, a great deal, to make the drag less heavy, because the Lord of the worlds has given His word, in the name of His might and honour, not to take task those who pray and prostrate in this month, the flames of fire will not frighten them.

O People! Whoso provides a meal to a faithful, at the time of breaking fast, earns the recompense of setting an enslaved human being free.

O People! In this month, whoso makes better his or her morals will cross the, “Bridge of Siraat” with ease and finesse, where people, at every step, would stumble and fall, whoso gives leisure and respite to his or her employees will receive equivalent leniency on the Day of Reckoning, whoso takes care of and looks after the orphans and relatives will be treated mercifully ont he Day of Judgement, whoso prays optional salaats will get the immunity from Hellfire, and good in leaps and bounds, whoso recites even one verse of the Holy Quran, obtains the reward of a full recital of the whole Book in other months.

O People! In this month, beyond a shadow of doubt, the doors of everlasting bliss and happiness are thrown open, so beseech Allah not ever to shut them off to your face, and the traps of the eternal curse are unhinged, so make a request to Allah to remove themm from your path forever, the devils are held in chains, so pray to Allah not to set them free for leading you astray.

The month of Ramadan is very dear to Allah. It is the most august of all months, pure, generous and merciful.

Do not let its nights go to waste in slumber, its days in careless omission or loss of rememberance of Allah.

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1st Night Dua’a (Prayer):

[O Allah, the Lord of the month of Ramadan, the revealer of the Quran. This is the month of Ramadan, in which Thou revealed the Quran and revealed the “signs” that render clear the guidence and teaching to distinguish between good and evil. O Allah make us observes fast int he days and remain awake in its nights to pray. O Allah let it be peaceful for us, keep us in sound condition for it, let it take upon itself the supervision of our affairs to give us ease and hapiness and while taking decisions, in the “Night of Qadr” and rendering possible things and events decisively (decision which cannot be changes of bypassed) write my name on the list of those pilgrims of Thy “Sacred House” whose pilgramage recieve Thy appoval, whose wrongdoings are overlooked, and while making decisions and rendering possible things and events make possible for me long life, and enough lawful means of livelihood.]

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Iftar Dua’as (Prayers) #1:

**When breaking your fast, hold water in one hand and a date in the other, and recite the following prayer:

“ALLAHUMA LAKA S’UMTU WA A’LAA RIZQIKA AFT’ARTU WA A’LAYKA TAWAKKALTU”

[O my Allah, for thee, I fast, and with the food thou gives me, I break the fast, and rely on thee]

Iftar Dua’as (Prayers) #2:

**Ameer-ul Moo-mineen Ali ibn Abi Talib (A.S) used to recite the following dua’a before iftar:

“BISMILLAH ALLAAHUMMA LAKA S’UMNAA WA A’LAA RIZQIKA AFT’ARNAA FA-TAQABBAL MINNA INNIKA ANTAS SAMEE’UL A’LEEM”

[In the name of Allah, O Allah, we fast, and with the food thou gives us we break our fast, and obligation we fulfill and Thou art Hearer, Knower.]

 

Change for good.

For all of you out there, that are living your lives in sin. I know that you all want to change for the good. I was once there, and I took the opportunity of the month of Ramadan to change my life around. You can do it too…

 

 

Dwelling

Have you ever had that one family member, that thinks they are better than everyone else, especially you? They think that they are the so called, “grown-up” and your the child when there is only 2-3 years between you two. Well I do, and it is so unbelievably annoying. You see when I came here from the USA, I had nobody but her as a friend. I tagged along wherever she went, went shopping with her, shit, sometimes we even took showers together (we were kids, not nasty ideas there). But when I got to know more people and became more social around here, it seemed like she didn’t like that. She backed off, and totally isolated herself from me, and even my friends. I am not sure if it is considered jealously, or if she thinks she is too good for me or my friends, but its started to piss me the hell off. Her mom comes to me and tells me “Oh, you never call her, or talk to her, or ask her to go out with you and your friends”. “Well let me tell you something sweetie, your daughter doesn’t want to be around me nor around my friends.” She starts telling me that’s not true blah blah blah…but it is, she is just her daughter, OF COURSE,she is going to defend her, its only natural.

I am so sick of her and her mom watching me and observing my ever move just to say something to me. I don’t care or have the energy to do all this drama crap. I was way over that way back in high school. You don’t want to be with me OK, I could care less. But don’t come by putting the blame on me when I want to go out with my girls and don’t invite you. I have given up, there is no point of me bothering to ask, because I already know what your answer is going to be. So don’t think you can use that and hold it against me…No honey, it doesn’t work like that.

Religious? Pshh….

Ok, so we all know, and are happy for you that you found the love of your life. He turned out to be very religious and I admire him for that. He has helped you become closer to your faith, and follow your religion. But sweetie, your beliefs and practices are for you my love, not to flaunt and show off about them putting others down on the way.

Religion is your relationship and obedience between you and your Lord. Not a new pair of stilettos for you to show off to the world. Thinking that you are smarter, more religious, or even a step closer to heaven than I am, is just you being a hypocrite in what you believe in. I am not saying that your not a strong in practice of your faith, but jeez leave us all alone and stop giving us lectures or arguments in things you probably aren’t even 100% sure about. You sit here and fight with your family members on a subject your completely oblivious to, why don’t you keep your facts to yourself. We appreciate your help, but your offering it in all the wrong ways. If this person wasn’t a direct stuck to my hip family member, I wouldn’t even take the time to even type this because I would care less. This is someone in my face almost everyday, and unfortunately there is nobody for me to vent to…

So let me know your feedback, and what do you think on this touchy subject…

-iamwhatiam

Letter to My Father

Dear Daddy,

 

I know I’ve made mistakes, I know I’ve taken you for granted.

I’ve slammed doors in your face, told you I hated you, and told you to leave me alone and get out of my life. I remember telling my friends how much I hated you, and that you hated me and didnt care. I remember the looks you gave me, looks of anger, but they were really a man crying on the inside.

I regret ever mean thing I ever said to you, and I’ve learned the value of a father. Ive learned that you are the only person that will ever love me the way you do, and the only one that will care about me the way you do.

 

I miss watching tv with you, while sitting on your lap.

I miss going to the store to get a bunch of ice cream.

I miss when you use to tell me go get the chocolate out of your hiding spot in the fridge.

I miss going to the shop to see you and watch you fix my car.

I miss going fishing with you, and seeing who is going to catch the biggest fish.

I miss our little redneck trips up to Ockeechobee.

I miss when I would be in my room, and you would call me 23908203945823 times for stupid things.

I miss those days we couldnt sleep and would wake up and watch tv together.

I miss those days that you would read Quran to me.

I miss when you call me Amboora Amoura Samoura Abla.

I miss when pinching your cheeks.

I miss the mornings that you would come out clean shaven.

I miss when I use to hold the steering wheel while you were eating on the way to school.

I miss our long talks in the car.

I miss your little dances in the kitchen.

I miss snuggling up next to you in bed on Sunday mornings.

 

I miss you, and everything about you..as hard as it may seem, since I had such a black soul.

Now Im typing this trying to hold back my tears, and wish I can go over to you and hug you. And smell your smell that I miss so much.

 

I regret the days I wouldnt give you a kiss goodbye.

I regret when I would slam the car door in your face.

I regret all those mornings that ruined your day.

I regret rejecting all your invitations to sit and watch tv with you.

I regret every bad thing I said to you.

I regret rejecting those sunday morning snuggles.

I regret pressing end when I saw your phone calls.

I regret all those times I yelled at you.

 

…because now, I wish that, that second I was yelling at you, I was sitting next to you. Or the time I slammed the door in your face, I was telling you how much I love you.

I wish so bad now, that I can give you a kiss or a hug, and tell you how much I appreciate your love.

But your so far away…

 

 

Money: Does it really control your happiness?

Everyone knows the saying, “Money can’t buy happiness”, and I’m not going to lie, I am a strong believer in that. Obviously you can’t be an unhappy millionaire and right off a check to some retailer buying your happiness. Unfortunately, that is reality.

Money is a great thing to have, in limited quantities of course. To have money can mean lots of things, depending on how you’ve made it. If you were a poor or middle class person, and suddenly became a billionaire, you most likely are going to change, and throw away all the people you love and care about. Which in the future will lead to loneliness, unhappiness, depression, and no one to be by your side and there is no way you can buy all that back with your green paper stacks. Anyways that’s not my point….

My main point of this blog is, I have been married for 2 years now, of course we have our ups and downs, but mostly financial problems. I know its not easy establishing a life with an other person, including: home, car, jobs, food, leisure, etc. But its really hard to not be able to do or buy the things you desire. I am not a high maintenance girl, I don’t get my nails done, my hair gets cut once every six months, I do my own eyebrows and other hair removal in the privacy of my own home. My husband and I don’t really go out, if we go out for dinner, or eat out for any reason, its most likely going to be an occasion. 

Life is getting harder and harder to live comfortably. We have debt, we have payments, we have to feed ourselves obviously. And our income is not quite cutting it. So this is where I get to my point…..

Does money really control your happiness?

I am not saying I want to have millions and be drowning in diamonds. I don’t want all of that, I actually thank God that I am not like that. I just thought, if we were a little more financially stable, would I be happier. If we could go out to dinner once a week, buy new clothes whenever I feel like it, buy a new vase for my living room, or even take a trip to some country once every year or so….will I be happier? I am not going to say I am not happy, because my husband is the best there can be, giving me all the love and affection and is very understanding when these things stress me out. But I am 22, I don’t have kids yet, and I still want to live my life and enjoy being carefree. I really want to have fun with my husband before we give up our freedom to our future children. But our financial crisis isn’t allowing us to breathe. 

I am not going to say MONEY makes me HAPPY. That’s not the case, all I am saying is a little money would cut us some slack, to live comfortably & to its fullest….

You know…

 

-iamwhatiam

The definition of boredom…

Well it is Ramadan, today was the first day of fasting. Her I am in my new house, the house I’ve waited 3 years to be done, to get out of my in-laws house and live freely with my own private sanctuary. Ramadan her in Lebanon consists of summer night with friends and family, laughter, sweets, hookah, soap operas. That’s just how its suppose to be. As for me this year, it consists of, sleeping all day, making dinner before dusk, eating with my lovely husband, him going to sleep, me cleaning, and then me spending the whole night alone on the couch flipping through channels or blogging. I was so excited for Ramadan this year, just for the fact that I am going to be living in my own house. Now that I actually got what I wanted, and saw how my life changed from excited on the go to couch potato and boring, I am starting to have regrets. I don’t think I have ever felt so lonely and bored in my life. The type of boredom when there is absolutely nothing to watch, you check ever social networking site you have 100 times per minute. The boredom where you keep going to the fridge as if something new is going to magically appear inside. Ugh I’m having mixed emotions right now, I don’t know whether to be happy, after all those years of basically being a maid for his family during Ramadan, to finally get a break and have my own life. Or to be sad because I kinda miss it. So here I am, BORED, and don’t know if I am HAPPY or SAD! Grrr…

-iamwhatiam

Marriage

You know….I’m not going to tell you marriage is easy or a piece of cake because to tell you the truth, marriage is nothing of the sort. You have a life partner in your life, there is nothing called personal space, or privacy, he/she is your other half now. I don’t really know how to explain it, all I can use is my own experiences, and some of my parents demolished marriage as lessons for my future. Man was it hard the first couple of years being engaged, getting to know each other more and more everyday. The fights were daily, but we fought through the hard times for each other. everyday you learn something new about your partner, her I am, been with him for about 6 years now, 2 years married, and there are still new things i learn everyday. Marriage isn’t about who is going to step of the podium first, or who is going to lower themselves down to the other. its about how smart you are to make it work. your spouse doesn’t like something, just don’t do it. Save yourself the trouble of listening to him nag and just do it when he isn’t around. Of course, this doesn’t apply for going out drinking and doing drugs. I am talking about something simple like the way you put your eyeliner on, or wearing red lipstick. If you are a smart spouse, you could easily have your husband/wife wrapped around your finger. OK  I am not going to say your not going to have to sacrifice or compromise some of your own desires to make a balance in your relationship, but hey, lets face it… that’s what its like to share your life with another person.

A big note is never EVER let anyone between you two, including family members!! You argument is between you two, and it stays that way, otherwise it will just get bigger now that a 3rd person has intruded with the permission of one or the other, and now the situation may not be able to be solved. My father told me before I got married to never bring outsiders into my marriage because my husband and I will eventually resolve our problem, but the 3rd person whoever let in, will always take a side, and will not forget the problem. I have faced this problem dozens of times with my husband and mother-in-law. He thought it was OK to reveal a private conversation between him and I to his mother. We got into an argument  she intruded on the argument with his green light, the argument evolved into a full blown fight. She took it the wrong way and didn’t talk to me for a while. Meanwhile, days later my husband and I solved it between ourselves, and she still til this day hasn’t forgotten it, and it still has major blocks in our relationship. All because of one (what he thought was simple) huge mistake that he had made. I am sure he learned from it, after all he did admit that he was wrong.

Being married has taught me so much, and I am still learning, actually we are BOTH learning from each other every single day. I hope to pass these experiences along to my children, unlike my parents, who’s marriage went down the drain.

To be continued…..

-iamwhatiam

The Lonely Bride

Every girl dreams of her wedding day, planning it, getting ready for it, it actually happening. All who they love around them, supporting them. Well my sister-in-law and I got married about 10 days apart, she in May, me in June. I sat back and watched her and her mother prepare for her big day. Her mom was there through every step of the way. She saw her in the first white gown she tried on, the first veil that was pinned in her hair, the first lace that was pulled. Whatever caught her eye, her mother would buy for her, just because her daughter was getting married and leaving her. She was by her side during her hair & makeup tryouts. She was behind the camera at her photoshoot, just incase she needed her. She was late to her own daughters wedding because she was so busy catering to her every need to make sure all her dreams came true that day. Meanwhile, I am in the backround, wanting all these things for myself. The first time I ever tried on a white gown, that golden mother/daughter moment, I was alone. I had strange girls who were employees dressing me and lacing up my dress. My mom wasnt there for that tear to come down her cheek as she saw her baby girl for the first time glowing in all white. She wasnt there to be with me while I got my hair & makeup done. She didnt spoil me on my wedding day like every other mom does. My mother-in-law behind my photographers camera, watching me. But I still felt like I was alone, nobody to share my mother/daughter moment with. What hurt the most was that my mom use to be a very sentimental person, just waiting for these special moments to come about. Although she was here in Lebanon, she didnt seem to bother. Not a photo was snapped not an effort was made to be with me on my big day. Maybe it was because I didnt marry the man of HER dreams? Maybe its because she didnt want me to marry an arab at all? I dont really know if she every accepted it, or ever will. But, at the time, she didnt really seem to care. She was at the reception, all dolled up, and as I was walking in with my new husband, I saw her crying hysterically as she clapped to the music and watched me walk in. I wasnt sure if they were tears of joy, tears of how proud to see what her daughter has become? Or tears of sorrow seeing her daughter being taken away from her by a man that she doesnt approve of? I just smiled at her as my heart ached, and focused on my love. Even though seeing my newly shattered family all in the same room was totally killing me. With my dad on one table and my mother on the other, the family that was once a whole, all spread around this foyer like strangers. My mother was drinking with relatives in the bathroom, and I was trying for once in my life, to be selfish. To think about myself, my happiness, and my big day, and make the most of it, ALONE, with no one to help….

– iamwhatiam